Hi

My daemon knocked on the door today and asked me if I wanted to write with her. I said yes.

Simmering just below the surface

So what do you do when someone has already written your book, has had huge success by doing so, and then gets to be played by Julia Roberts in the major motion picture? What writer, or woman for that matter, hasn’t dreamed of being played by Julia Roberts?

Take sip of wine. Wait for more inspiration.

Wait.

I guess I should clarify. I am not divorced, nor have I eaten in Italy, prayed in India, or loved in Indonesia. So no, Elizabeth Gilbert did not steal my life story. But she wrote the book about female redemption and falling in love with yourself that has been inside of me for way too long.

Why haven’t I written it you ask? Because I’m still too arrogant and ego driven to do it justice, frankly. I still want every wisdom-filled thought and every brilliant moment of dialogue to come from her (my main character). I want every other character to be in awe of her, despite the fact that she is utterly in shambles and can barely see through her tears. I want her to be the heroine that even heroines adore. Ugh, how self-indulgent is that.

But I still can’t get past it. So I marinate. And marinate some more. And I keep thinking that at some point I will be in the right space, and it will be the right time. Suddenly it will erupt from me like Mt. Vesuvius and all will stand in awe of this magnificent thing that has been created for all to enjoy – by me. Ugh some more. I’m annoyed with myself.

I wonder why, now that I have diagnosed this pitiful arrogance, why is it that I cannot move past it? Why can’t I write and do justice to a whole host of characters that are just waiting, hopefully not in vain, for me to put them down on paper. Why does she have to be the only one who offers up worthy material?

And why does writing come easier when you have a glass of wine to lean on? Wayne Dyer just told me today that until I stop drinking, I cannot get closer to what it is I’m trying to get close to. That the doors will not open until the alcohol is gone. Clarification once again: I never drink. In the past month I have had 3 drinks. Four if you count the one sitting next to me, but I was referring to the month that ended yesterday. The rare time you’ll find me with a drink in my hand is because I like the ritual of it. The idea. But I do know that my body does not like the ritual, and so I abstain most of the time.

I want to eat in Italy, pray in India and love in Indonesia. I want to see the world and taste and hug it. I don’t want to die with my music in me. But sometimes I just don’t have any clue how to compose what it is I’m trying to do here. I don’t know how to string it all together so that it all makes sense. So that I’m making enough money to do the traveling that I want to do, yet spending time with myself, working on the things I need to emotionally and spiritually work on. I loathe doing work that I don’t like; trouble is I have yet to find actual work that I like. So I continue to freelance, doing things that will mostly pay the bills. Assisting prop stylists, working at photo studios, Saturdays decorating for other people’s weddings. And then waiting for checks.

I’ve lost my mojo.

I’m writing a book for someone else. A real book contract, my first. I have a little over a month left to finish it. It’s going well, but seeing as that I have never written an entire book before, I really don’t know if it’s actually going well.

I keep thinking, and hoping, that when this book is finished and published, that perhaps my issues of writing my own novel will abate. The idea is, that once this book is done, I will have actually written a book. No denying that. And maybe that will make me feel less terrified of writing my book.

I’ve written a lot of it. I took a year off of working to do so. But I’ve grown leaps and bounds since then and honestly feel that I have to start from scratch. Most of what I wrote came from a place of fear. The fear of not writing since everyone knew I had taken a year off to write my great American novel. Everyone was expecting it. So I wrote. But the problem was I was not true to myself in the journey that I allowed her to take.

I did things for the sake of doing them. They did not further her or her story. And in reality, they were disrespectful of her. So now I’m back to square one.

I feel myself growing closer. I’m writing again for one thing, and I recognize how monumental that is. My lack of discipline hinders me. But I’m working on it. And have made strides that I’m indeed proud of.

I will eat in Italy. I will pray in India. And I will love in Indonesia. But more than all of that, someday I hope to give Elizabeth a hug and thank her for writing her book. Not mine, hers. Mine is still in me. But unfortunately Julia has grown a tad too old to play me.

Happiness to Hostility

Starting with Happy and then searching for synonyms, it took me 16 words to get to Hostility.

Happiness = Contentment = Comfort = Ease = Quiet = Calm = Untroubled = Blase = Uninterested = Apathetic = Emotionless = Cool = Standoffish = Unapproachable = Unfriendly = Hostility

Fun With My Thesaurus

It takes just 16 words to go from Intelligent to Ignorant (though I've seen many people take less).

Intelligent = Clever = Resourceful = Creative = Original = Authentic = Genuine = True = Unvarnished = Straightforward = Uncomplicated = Simple = Elementary = Rudimentary = Unsophisticated = Ignorant

Things I know for sure

• The Weight Watchers orange Hungry guy is adorable and I would invite him in if he brought me a donut.

• When mixed in milk, Carnation Instant Breakfast turns turquoise if you let it sit out for two days or more.

• If my boyfriend smelled like fresh, ripe watermelon, I might love him more.

Quote of yesterday…

"Who's been eating my porridge?" - Adrien, bringer of joy (the digital tech) : commenting on how every night when you come back to your room at the Mandarin Oriental Miami the TV is on, your stuff is moved around and the lights are all on. 

Quote of the day…

"That tasted like salty fart." - Ashley : on set in Miami talking about stinky cheese. 

Thought of the day…

To drink your own urine in space is to dance the impossible dance.  - Group Effort : Shauna, Erin, Steve & I on set in Miami - still harping on the pee drinking model. 

Quote of the day…

"You look fantastic! Have you been drinking your own urine?" - Erin : my favorite production assistant. 

Explanation: The model on a previous photo shoot announced to everyone on set that she drank her own urine every morning. We have reincarnated this joke in so many ways, but this is by far my favorite! 

Quote of the day

"What time is it? It feels like tomorrow." - Steve : said in sexy Australian accent on set at a photo shoot. 

Something to think about…

Must have something to do with the economy…

Rain rain go away…

… come again another day!

It's been raining a lot lately in New York, which I've learned can be quite hazardous for the normal, everyday walk down the street. Trying to make it to the subway without loosing an eye or poking someone to death is more difficult then it was to get into college, I swear! It's like a sea of deadly metal spikes pushing their way down any given avenue, and New Yorkers just don't seem to care. I at least dive out of the way to avoid impaling some small child or tall man, but others, nope! They just walk along as if they don't have a deadly weapon floating in wait above their heads, ready to stab any unsuspecting sidewalk mate. It's frightening actually!

Having not often used an umbrella in my former "run from house to car and from car to building" kind of life, the concept of investing in a good rain shield has never occurred to me. But today, the third day of having my cheap, borrowed from my sister umbrella turned inside out by the wind, it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, a good umbrella in New York is just an important in a heated loft (another lesson I'm learning the hard way!)

So tonight as my wool jacket sits soaking and smelling in the corner of my room, I decided to search online for something cuter than the rest of the depressing black canopies that haunt the streets of this city. I struck gold when I wandered upon Umbrellas.net! I'm totally loving their adorable designs and I just thought I would share the ones I'm drooling over! I just can't decide! Go check them out, they are so darn cute!

Hm...

I have begun to wonder if I might in fact be a Manhattanite versus a Brooklyn girl? Five more leased months to figure it out. 

Sexy new discovery

One of my five roommates, JS, got back from Los Angeles the other day after assisting on a very cool photo shoot for the latest Tim Burton film that's in the works. The moment he walked through our big, beautiful steel door, I ambushed him and dragged him off to the bar where one of our other roommates, AC, works. I had been in the house for days and really needed to get out, so I forced him to go with me :) That's the beauty of living with five other people, there's always someone around! 

So JC and I went off to Hugs on North 6th in Williamsburg, where he proceeded to pull out his iPhone so we could geek out together. I was not prepared for what would follow! Just about the sexiest thing any iPhone nerd could dream of. A beautiful solid wood case for the beloved Apple masterpiece. Seriously, solid wood! It's stunning and I cannot help but dream of the day when I can afford to incase my little buddy in a oak wood cozy! I cannot justify the purchase at this time, but you can bet it's been filed away in my brain and my bookmarks and I will venture back to Miniot.com where the lovelies live as soon as humanly possible. 

First impressions

So I'd like to think that first impressions aren't everything, but in reality they are. And with that said allow me to share a few of my first impressions of the Big Apple! 

It must be said that I have been working non-stop since two days after I arrived (those two days were spent unpacking and painting) and so that means I've been stuck doing anything other than what I want to be doing for the last 13 days straight. No complaints, it's work, and as a freelancer I need all the work I can get. But 13 days without so much as a single morning to smack the snooze and a girl can go a little crazy. Today is the final day of this photo shoot and that means that tomorrow will afford me a little sleep time. But I digress… 

For now I'm sitting on set trying to appear busy even though I actually have nothing to do. Nothing to do until the final 30 minutes before we have to vacate the studios, at which time it will be a mad scramble for me to pack up five shots worth of props, slap the proper label on the box or bag and arrange for the appropriate messenger service to come and whisk it away before anyone can rummage through it all and score a sweet little something or other under my nose. All while the client and photographers head off for a $150 a person dinner at some great spot in the city. 

Again I digress… onto my impression…

Editors note: This is a two parter even though it doesn't seem like it! The first part was written on Saturday the 15th and the following was written today the 23rd. I had planned to write it all last Saturday, but promptly after we finished the shoot I came down with an insane cold that holed me up in my cold apartment for five days unable to climb down from my loft let alone write my blog. 

First impression:

I'm amazed at the ability of hundreds of people to squeeze themselves into a tube that hurtles itself through the ground at breakneck speed and yet not look one another in the eye. It's hilarious actually! It's all so anonymous, and in a city were anonymous is not hard to come by considering we normal folk share the streets with actors, musicians and models, it's amazing to me that one can get more anonymous. But the subway affords that easily. Eyes sweep the advertisements that line the space above our heads, then they close and magically reopen focused on the ground. There seems to be this invisible zone that no civilized person would dare allow their gaze to wander - the zone occupied by our bodies. I say civilized because I'm not including the crazies who stare at you and continue to stare even after you have looked them directly in the eye as a sort of challenge. Nope, doesn't work. Not that I should be surprised that one who stares would not be intimidated by a stare down. Those who "sub stare" as I now refer to it in my head, can appear to be totally normal while waiting in the station. And if you saw them on the streets you'd have no idea they enjoy such a depraved hobby as staring at people on the subway. But no, they are not normal - they stare! 

The non-starers may also spend time fascinated by their cell phones despite the fact that they do not work underground. Those with iPhones can do this without looking dumb (in my iPhone owning opinion) because our magical hand held sent from the gods device does much more than relay a voice all over the world. I can pop bubble wrap, listen to music, take notes, organize my calendar, look at pictures, and any infinite number of etceteras, all while not staring at people on the subway. But come on, you pleebs with your flip phones, your not fooling anyone! 

I've grown to love my time underground. There is something soothing about the way the train moves (except when it stops and starts!) and it allows for some wind down time like no hour commute from Alexandria ever could. Luckily my sister lives on the same line as me, the good old L train, so it makes my life easy when traveling to and fro to Williamsburg. Me, myself, I live in Bushwick. Now if you don't live in New York or one of its lovely boroughs, then you do not know Bushwick. Let me say this - living in Bushwick gives me "street cred" as someone pointed out to me on my last photo shoot. It is quite obvious that I am several years ahead of the gentrification curve, no matter how high the prices are at Northeast Kingdom, and that very fact is made quite obvious by the stares I receive each day on my trek to and from the subway. No big deal, I smile my white girl grin each time I think it will keep me from getting shot, and the rest of the time I look down as if to apologize for my whiteness. Note to my neighbors: I did not move here because I am some rich whitey who wants to take over your neighborhood! I mean really, if I had money do you think I would subject myself to the creepy guys that hang around C-Town on the corner of Wyckoff and Hart - I think not. 

Change of plans!

The plan had been to move overseas and have some adventures while teaching in South Korea. The plan has changed! I'm moving somewhere even crazier – New York City! I will be moving as soon as I can find an apartment, which in New York could mean months! I'm going to live in Brooklyn where the rents are still reasonable and my sister and her hubs live. I'm going to freelance, so that means that I will soon become a union gal – who knew that would ever happen!

So stick with me as I transition and I promise as soon as life settles back down I will get back to baking and blogging!  

An explanation

Okay, so I know I haven't been posting all that often, and that there hasn't been a book update in over a month, but I have a really good excuse! My thoughts and time have been completely wrapped up in my new big plans! 

I've been spending ALL of my time working towards a teaching certification in English as a second language, and once I'm done in the next two or three days, I will be getting ready to move abroad to teach! I've always wanted to live overseas and travel and see the world, and this is the perfect way for me to start my adventure. I'm not sure where I will end up living, but my thoughts and intentions are focused on Thailand, so think Thailand thoughts for me! 

No worries, the book is still one of my top priorities, it has just been pushed to the back burner so that I can get myself set to move. Once things settle in, I will get back to writing every day and posting updates when I can! 

I'M SO EXCITED TO MOVE OVERSEAS!!! 

Daring Bakers Challenge

This months Challenge was hosted by MeetaK of What's for Lunch Honey & Tony, who kindly choose Chocolate Eclairs! I'm a big fan, so I was excited about this challenge to say the least. 

I decided to wait until all of my family was having our annual end of summer gathering, mainly so that I wouldn't eat them all myself. The recipe we used comes from Pierre Herme, a famous French baker. Well as luck would have it, my brother-in-law has actually eaten Chocolate Eclairs in Paris at Pierre Herme's patisserie ! Why does this always happen to me? When we were making Dorie Greenspans Perfect Party Cake, which requires a French Meringue Buttercream icing, a family friend who just happens to also be a French pastry chef (!) stopped by that day! I mean really, can't a girl get a break! 

So I made the Pate a Choux which turned out wonderfully, and was remarkably easy as far as I am concerned. My eclairs baked up perfectly, but they required more time than the recipe called for, which always seems to happen to me. I decided to make a typical vanilla pastry cream, which I adore, and to top them with the traditional chocolate sauce. 

I enjoyed making the eclairs a lot, and I'm thankful to Meeta & Tony for picking such a great recipe so that I could test my baking skills yet again! Check out Meeta's blog for the recipe! 

Addtion: I was doing too many things yesterday while posting my challenge, and I totally forgot to put in that my brother-in-law loved my eclairs! He said they were just as good as any others that he has had, even in Paris - but I think he was just being nice!!  

Operation August!

It's time again for Operation Baking GALS! This month there were lots of different soldiers to choose from! Susan's blog was littered with great posts about several different soldiers - the host for that soldier would provide some background info on their choice, and then we could pick who we wanted to bake for. Susan herself was baking for a group of six soldiers who have been stationed in Fallujah for some time and who don't really get any love from back home, so I decided to join her group, Team DoughMessTic! 

As usual, I sent along some butter press cookies because they are one of my absolute favorites. And this month I also sent along some yummy swirl brownies, which I hope make it to Iraq in edible condition! 

As always, if you're interested in baking for our brave men and women serving in Iraq & Afghanistan, check out Susan Wetzel's blog Operation Baking GALS - it's really easy to get started, and there's still time to bake in August, so go check it out! Things are really exploding for this group, which is really wonderful! It's such a great way to feel like you are making a difference for our troops! 

A big thanks from Iraq!

I got an email from Jason in Iraq today, and since I promised to share, here it is – 

Kathryn

I wanted to send a quick note to say 'THANK YOU' for sending us some homemade goodies! You folks will never realize how much Soldiers appreciate your kind gestures. Just the simple act of baking goodies and mailing them across the world means more to us than you'll ever know.

Also, I very much appreciate you taking the time to write me a note. Your nephew is very lucky to have such a great aunt in his life. I promise you that we Soldiers will do our very best to protect him from the dangerous men who wish harm on the American People. I assure you that under our watch your nephew has nothing to be afraid of. I am fortunate enough to serve alongside men and woman who value Duty, Honor, and Country, more than their own lives. Each day I am humbled and amazed at the heroics of American Soldiers.

Thanks again. Please take care of that nephew of yours. I know he has a bright future.

Best wishes,
Jason

We're gearing up for round two in the next few weeks, so if your interested in baking, click on the Operation Baking GALS picture in the sidebar and it will take you to the blog where you sign up to help out! I'm baking for a group of six soldiers outside of Fallujah and I'm really happy to send them some yummy treats!!